English 9-4: Tabloid
(What is a TABLOID?)


Superman Vs. Odysseus
By Daria S.

Hi, I’m Superman, the powerful one;
I’ve got powers, what about you?
Well, I can fly, what can you do?
I thought you were hip.
Then, pull up your zip;
You wouldn’t want to mess with me…
I can see through walls. 
I won’t be seeing him for a while.
You’re back too soon.
Let’s continue our debate.
You know I’m the most powerful.
I have my own TV show.
Okay, then; I surrender!
No, I’m dead serious. You are the best. 
Hello, I’m Odysseus, Laertes son;
I’ve got wits; I am wise too!
Boo, I can see you...
Yeah, I can sail a ship.
Oh, I’ll give you a tip.
Let’s have a cup of tea.
I’ll be right back, nature calls.
I’m just going to ignore you and smile.
I’ll wait till this afternoon.
All right, dear mate.
Well, I could slay a bull.
I have my journey, you know.
Are you a pretender?
You are right; but, don’t be depressed! 

ByMakram D.

Was it a real kiss? 

How is Odysseus going to react when he finds out? 

This is one of the biggest scandals ever! 

How could they? It is still not clear in my head; I am still in shock! 

Okay here it goes. 
After Telemachus had spent so much time with his mom Penelope, 
he found out that they had many things in common. 

They laughed together and... finally... they shared a kiss!

How could they? 

Telemachus claimed that he actually felt the kiss and he had feelings for his own mom!

As they would be talking about what they had in common, they kept getting closer to each other. 
One day, Penelope got her head closer and the next thing you know it...
They were KISSING!

Penelope said that he was a better kisser than his father Odysseus and that she really enjoyed the kiss. 

Poor Odysseus, he is trying to make his way home to see his wife and child while they are kissing each other. 

Is this going to continue? I hope not. 
Wait until Odysseus finds out! 
That was a kiss that will change lives.

Maid in Ithaca

By Fadia S.

            Have you been seeing two Penelopes? Does she have a clone? A sister?

Why are there two of them?

We shall give you here the inside scoop of what really went on!

                One of Penelope’s maids has been dressing like the queen and has been using her costume to steal Penelope’s precious jewels, clothes and money!

Poor Penelope had enough worry on her shoulders, waiting to see if Odysseus, her husband, was dead or alive; coming back or not!

Yes, folks, you heard me well, there was no clone.
There was a thief!

Don’t worry, the maid was caught in the action and was sent to 30 years of prison.

             Would you like to know what happened when Penelope found out about the situation?
Of course, if it’s gossip, you’re in.

There was a cat fight between Penelope and her maid.

The maid went behind bars bleeding.

Is Helen Truly faithful to Her Husband Menelaus, or is she Still After Paris?!?!
By Nada K.

 Well, as all you readers out there undoubtedly know, our dear Helen had a little affair, a while back, that caused the destruction of the strong bond of friendship between two civilizations; an affair that caused the walls of the city of Troy to fall down around its inhabitants; an affair that ended uselessly, as she returned to her rightful place, after causing the shed of gallons of blood. “And all for what?” You may ask. A silly little boy she claims to have loved…

 Now, years later, after the great king Menelaus fought for her, in order to bring her back to the comfortable, luxurious life she once led, it turns out that our little lovebird still has feelings for this sweetheart of hers, Paris.

 Apparently, that little brat doesn't realize the kind of pain and devastation that she brought to the lives of her countrymen. She doesn't realize the seriousness of the situation at hand. Either she is really ignorant, or she is willing to cause the death of another million or so soldiers and their families, just so that she can satisfy her own pleasures.

 How, I ask you, can a person be so selfish??!!...

 Poor king Menelaus had quite a shock when he found out about Helen's infidelity. The poor man nearly had a stroke when he walked into his [supposed] wife's room and found her pouring her true feelings out into her diary.

 It is events like this that bring out a person's true character. In this case, Helen was exposed for the creep that she is. King Menelaus gave her everything she ever wanted. Not once did he deprive her of anything that her heart desired. And how does she repay him for his kindness? She turns around and cheats on him. She betrays the one man who made her queen.

 Congratulations, king Menelaus, you really picked a winner!!...

Sucking  in the Name of Hospitality!

By Daria S.

We all have been wondering and asking the same questions about Helen and Menelaus. They did seem kind of leery! What’s the reason behind all that kindness and hospitality? The fact is that they’re crazy, blood-sucking vampires! 

Fresh blood, that’s all they wanted. Attract their guests with their great hospitality, get them drowsy by letting their stomachs get plumped of their tongue-licking food, then at midnight, the couple would turn into deadly vampires, sucking their guests’ blood. And in the morning, the guests wake up with formidable holes on their necks. None of these guests dared to quiz these holes because they thought it would be a boorish act. 

Are you thinking what I’m thinking? What happened to poor Telemachus when he visited Menelaus? Is he a blood-sucking vampire too? No don’t worry; Telemachus was too witty for them. He didn’t fall for the ambush.  Telemachus felt that something was wrong, and he was out all night dwelling on it. So, when the vampires entered his room, bang! They were flabbergasted to see that he wasn’t there. In the morning, everything came back to normal, but Telemachus was the only guest who didn’t fall for it. 

The question is: How did this start? It was all in their wedding present. Specifically, from Paris’ present. Remember Paris? He was the man who wanted to marry Helen, but Menelaus ended up marrying her. Well, Paris had one and only one wish, and he wanted that wish so bad that he prayed every night of his gloomy life to make the newlyweds vampires! And boom, the next day they were parasitical vampires. 

And there it is, readers. You’ve figured out the reason behind Helen and Menelaus’ great hospitality. It was all a scheme for them to get some blood!!

Poseidon: Not A God Anymore?
By Daria S.
“Poseidon! On behalf of all the gods, we have made an important decision. 

You are going to lose your powers for a whole year and live as Odysseus’ swineherd and assistant. 

This decision was made because of your abuse of your powers. 
We are gods, Poseidon, and we are supposed to act as role models!
You were have given us gods a bad reputation. 
Yes, you can interfere with the mortals’ lives, but you have gone over the limits. 
As a result, Poseidon, you are to assist, instead of hindering Odysseus. 
We chose Odysseus because it was clear that you had certain negative emotions towards him. 
We’re sorry but these are the rules. No one must know about this; if anyone does, then you will never change back into a god. This is your one and only warning.”

After this speech from Zeus, Poseidon was transformed into a mortal in a very nerve-wrecking way for the mortals. 
There was an gargantuan storm that was about to flood Ithaca and... BOOM!
Eumachus (Odysseus’ new swineherd) was formed out of the sea. 
All this happened while a young man, about 13 years old, was watching.

Will this man reveal Poseidon’s secret. 
Will Poseidon be stuck as a swineherd?

Six months after the speech and transformation, this man revealed the secret, 
but of course everyone thought he was eccentric. No one believed him. 
However, that did Poseidon no good. 
One person knew about his secret and so Poseidon was stuck as Eumachus everlastingly.

“ Poseidon! What shame have you done? We know it wasn’t your fault, but we wanted to know how you would deal with this. It turned out that you couldn’t deal with it. All you had to do was deny it;
 instead, what you actually did was tell this man more about you. 
Poseidon, you will never change back to Poseidon, you are Eumachus forever!”

By Mona S.
On the evening of the second day of the New Year, the Cyclops was injured by the well-known hero, Odysseus and his crewmen. The wound resulted in blindness, so the Cyclops was forced to check into the AML hospital for an eye replacement operation.
 What seemed like an operation for betterment became a disaster. Not only did the Cyclops get an eye –replacement operation, but he also got something extra,
Breast Implants!
 We asked the head nurse what had happened, she was surprised, “I don’t know what happened, I think the charts might have gotten mixed up before I entered the room. I did see at the time that what the chart said was weird, but I thought that was what he wanted!” After the operation had ended, the Cyclops was still under anesthesia. He stayed under the anesthetic for about two hours before he woke up. A nurse entered the room shortly afterwards and unwrapped the bandages. His vision came back to him about four hours later, and that is when he saw what had happened.
 The Cyclops Polyphemus spoke to us directly after the incident, “ I woke up and found myself on the hospital bed, the nurse had unwrapped my bandages. Soon after my vision had gotten back to me, I got up and looked in the mirror and saw that… I had breasts!”
  A week later, we visited the Cyclops at his home to see how he was dealing with his unexpected present. His exact words were, “ At first I was distraught, I couldn’t believe how bad my luck had turned out. But now I am actually very content, bcause now I have my sight back, and actually this surprise is actually growing on me!” He also told us that, for now, they were here to stay, but if they annoy him in the future he’ll have to remove them.

By Lana S.

Ithaca is hit with a storm as Penelope’s tears roll down her face while reading a letter addressed to Odysseus from... Calypso!

It was under their own bed, hidden. Yes, Hidden!! It is sealed with a kiss,

and is scented with Calypso’s perfume.

In the letter, Calypso explains how she still loves Odysseus and how the time they spent together meant so much to her. She elucidates how she can still feel his arms around her and his malleable palms bathing her. She also says that she strongly believes that he really loved her, but feared losing his son, not his Penelope. In addition, she states that she can prove it, because he didn’t mention Penelope’s name once. She also informs him that he can’t deny it because he even told her that she was better in bed than Penelope. Penelope starts to shake and shiver. She falls to the floor, her eyes closed, hoping that this is only a nightmare.

By Ramzi B.

Odysseus caught replying to Calypso's letter!!

Only we have the scoop on the newest love scandal…. read what Calypso sent to Odysseus here:

Oh my dear Odysseus,

I know you have moved on and returned to your family, but I, here, alone, without a loved one, jealous of your Penelope, am desperate for you Odysseus. All I ask is reassurance from you that you dearly care for me, and that our relationship together wasn’t more than a normal and mediocre love; even though I am a god and you are a mortal, my love for you is real.
Please Odysseus, say you love me so!

Your missed one,

If you thought that was bad, read the reply. Truly appalling!

Dearest Calypso,

 I, Odysseus look back on what we had and wonder, “Am I doing what is in my best interest?” I have trouble at night sleeping, thinking about you, wondering, wishing, and hoping to get your love again, in return. I feel regret for not listening to you and leaving your island; you are the one the journey should have been for. I am a true imbecile for refusing immortality, and I truly hope for you to understand what I feel, and I think you do.

Your loved one,

These are the letters Penelope read!!
If you were in her shoes, what would you do?

You can email us at  Penelope@loveletters.comto submit your answers.

By Lana S.

Yes, we know that the inhabitants of Ithaca are very hospitable,
but Penelope is unwilling to host a man who is in desperate need for a shelter.

Penelope does not let him enter the house, and she disguises herself every time he’s around.
She has even ordered Odysseus to ask him to leave Ithaca.
Odysseus has never seen Penelope this worried and inhospitable.
He questions Penelope, wanting to know why, but Penelope says she has a feeling he would steal their property and belongings.
The thing is that the man says he was Penelope’s first love

and that she is too scared to see him, because she still has feelings for him,
and seeing him would make her remember all the great times she spent with him,
especially on the exotic and fascinating night before her wedding.

Odysseus is investigating further;
he swears that if Penelope is keeping a secret from him he will execute her.

Who is Guilty?

By Lana S.

It is believed that Odysseus’s mother committed suicide because she was in too much pain and misery. The household’s servant truly cared for her because she was so much nicer to her than Penelope. She didn’t believe that Odysseus’s mother could possibly commit suicide. As she was cleaning Penelope’s cupboard, she could feel something really hard under piles and piles of clothes. As she removed those clothes, she found a hoary, razor-sharp, bloody knife.

The question is: why would Penelope have a knife in her room?

The confusing thing is that Penelope then walks in and screams while falling to the floor.

She says, “Who did you kill? Whose blood is that?” A

fter hearing the earsplitting shout Odysseus runs in and sees Penelope on the floor, thinking that the servant holding the knife had killed her.

He attacks the servant. Telemachus hears these odd sounds and rushes in, but in a split second disappears. It is so obvious that Telemachus is trying to keep a low profile.

Why didn’t Telemachus stop the fight? Who is the knife for? Does Telemachus have anything to do with it?
How did Odysseus’s mom really die?
Everyone is in court and the anomalous situation is now being investigated.

By Mona S.

“This is an outrage!”

These were the words of Penelope, wife of Odysseus. Just when she thought that everything was back to normal as her husband had come back, she was shown otherwise.

The high and mighty ruler of Ithaca was turned into a PUPPET!

We interviewed a person that was close to the scene.
He claimed,
“I had just come back from a long voyage. Walking down the street, I saw  king Odysseus alongside his wife and a guard crossing the street.

With the blink of an eye, the king turned into a PUPPET!

I freaked out. 'What is happening in this world?' I said to myself.

How ironic this is!

Before the transformation, Odysseus was a ruler to his people,
like a puppeteer is to his puppet;
and now he IS the puppet!”

Later on we spoke to Telemachus, who had been with his father; he said, “I can’t believe this has happened! I was so happy he had come back.
Who could be evil enough to do this?"

Well, for now, we don’t know.
But if you have any information that may be helpful, call this number: 0129-8890-345 now.

Calypso Pregnant!

By Karl B.

 It is not yet known who the father is, but it has been revealed that Calypso, one of the most beautiful women on earth is finally pregnant. Although she has refused to comment or be subdued to any kind of rumors, lab results stolen secretly from Calypso’s Island show that she is indeed pregnant. It has widely been suggested that Odysseus’s son, Telemachus, who was on vacation, is the father of the child. He will be leaving the island very shortly where he is due to take over the thrown from his father who has been dealing with other issues and is currently in his “lame duck” period as a ruler. A ceremony is expected to take place, where he will be crowned king and possibly announce his relationship with Calypso. However, many critics have said that if these rumors are true, then they will affect Telemachus deeply in his handling of the city-state. Many critics have already compared this to what Telemachus’s father, Odysseus had to deal with in the situation of the Trojan War. Calypso, an immortal being, is the subject of wide discussion throughout Ithaca about how her behavior towards the people would be. Nevertheless, many citizens have regarded Telemachus as an awesome leader that will lead them towards a positive direction.

Son of a King…in REHAB????
By Ramzi B.

Telemachus, the son of Odysseus, has been spotted by our scouts in a rehab institution. We also were shocked! The son of a king…in REHAB! We needed to find what he was using, and we did…Marijuana, he was smoking pot. We got to have a few words with Telemachus himself on the topic and this is what we came up with.

Journalist: SO, how long has this been going on?
Telemachus: Not too long, but once I started I couldn’t get enough of it.
J: did you deal?
T: to some yes, but I can’t tell you who.
J: how did you get caught?
T: the gods told my father. The rats!
J: when are you out of here?
T: as soon as they believe I am cleaned up
J: would you do it again?
T: can’t say I wont….

We got to talk to his doctors and instructors and they claimed that Telemachus is in a sad stage of his life; he is in the phase where drugs and alcohol are seen as cool and fun activities. He doesn’t know or understand the damages that come with them. He also stained his family’s name forever. Telemachus, the son of a king, addicted to drugs!


Dear Antinous,
By Nada K.

 Oh my sweet, kind Antinous; every minute we spend apart feels like a decade. Oh, how I long to hold you in my arms, and feel your warm breath on my cheeks. How I long to feel the security that I would feel when you would wrap me with your tender arms. Oh, my darling, how I miss those nights we used to sit and watch the sunset.
 Trust that I will hold a grudge against my father until the day that I die for what he did. He had absolutely no right to rip us apart. We belong together, and he knows it. As a matter of fact, he fears our relationship. That is why he did what he did. He fears that if Odysseus and his family discover our love, they will throw my father into jail; for he promised me to Odysseus even before I was born. And I hope you will find it in your heart to forgive me for leaving you. I hope you will understand why I did what I had to do. I simply could not let my father rot in jail for my selfishness.
 That is why I must leave you. But believe me when I say that you are the only person that will ever be in my heart. I love you and you alone. Proof of my love and loyalty is the son that we made together; you and I, not Odysseus and I. Telemechus is yours and yours alone. He is the only son that I have ever had, and he is yours; yours and mine. We will always have that bond tying us together, and it is a bond greater than any marriage certificate. It is a bond that will keep us close, no matter how far we might be…

Yours truly,

What is a TABLOID?

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Page created on June 23, 2004 || Last updated on November 1, 2004
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